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What is a female orgasm?

Orgasm. This word has a lot of appeal. This is a sweet and mysterious word. Orgasm is considered the highest point of sexual arousal, after which comes a sharp drop in accumulated sexual tension. Orgasm is characterized by pronounced sensual sensations. There is an opinion that when an orgasm arises, a woman cannot fail to recognize it. However, it is not so rare to hear the phrases: “I have some pleasant sensations, but whether I have an orgasm, I don’t know,” “Please tell the doctor what the orgasm should be and then I will try to answer whether I feel I him".

So what should an orgasm be like? What signs allow us without doubt and hesitation to say that the sensations experienced are orgasms?

An unequivocal answer to this question is difficult. Attempts to define orgasm or describe it face a wide variety of sensation options. Women often describe it as an instant blackout of consciousness, followed by an extremely pleasant sensation that occurs in the area of ​​the clitoris and extends to the entire region of the lower abdomen. Heat and tingling appear in the genitals, which also spread throughout the body. And finally, most women feel the rhythmic contractions of the muscles of the outer part of the vagina, pelvic floor and sphincter of the rectum, causing strong physical sensations. These abbreviations are sometimes referred to as shudders. A.S. Pushkin in his poems called an orgasm "the instant of the last shudders."

Pelvic floor muscle contractions are a fairly frequent attribute of an orgasm, the main and, perhaps, the only objective symptom that can be registered, measured and which allows us to say with all certainty: "Yes, this is an orgasm." Abbreviations are rhythmic. At the beginning of an orgasm, the muscles contract with great intensity and frequency, the interval between contractions is approximately 0, 8 seconds. Then the strength, duration and frequency of contractions are reduced. The number of cuts can be quite different: from 2-4 cuts to 10-15 or more. The strength and duration of these cuts may also be different. However, and it is important to know, the intensity of feelings and sensations experienced by a woman during orgasm does not depend uniquely on the strength, duration and intensity of muscle contractions.

Pelvic floor muscle contractions are the physiological component of orgasm. This fairly standard physiological reaction is accompanied and saturated with a wide variety of sensations. It is their diversity that leads to an insufficiently clear idea of ​​what an orgasm is, to the impossibility of giving it an unambiguous definition. The descriptions of feelings accompanying an orgasm, emotional tones and corresponding sensations vary from special, unusually strong, vivid reactions called “take-off”, “soaring”, “explosion”, “ecstatic avalanche” to much softer, less tense and vivid sensations, up to to very pale, emotionally insignificant, and sometimes even unpleasant or painful. These feelings and experiences can be different not only for different women, but also for one woman in different periods of life and even in different phases of the menstrual cycle, with different partners, in different settings, etc.

The nature of the emotional and sensual aura that accompanies an orgasm depends mostly on psychological factors such as mood, nature of relationships with a partner, emotional anticipation of pleasure, attitude to sexual intercourse and to a partner. Romantic, loving, warm, uncritical attitude towards a partner, as a rule, contributes to greater severity ofexperiences. A more rational, pragmatic view of a partner, even with a good sexual technique, can lead to a decrease in sensation.

Thus, the orgasm is composed of two components: physiological and psychological (physiological response of contractions of the muscles of the perineum and emotional experiences).Each of them can be expressed in varying degrees. Sometimes when feeling strong contractions, emotions are mild. It happens and vice versa. A woman may not be clearly aware of the presence of contractions, even if they are available during orgasm. In this situation, you should focus on emotional experiences. Orgastic sensations are rather peculiar, it is difficult to mix them up, and a woman can well feel an orgasm, “recognize” him without feeling contractions. They play a minor role in this situation.

Doubts: “Is this an orgasm?” Are usually associated with a weak expression of the emotional component. They may appear in those cases when the sensations arising from sexual contact do not correspond to the expected ones. Even before a woman experienced her first orgasm while communicating with a partner, she often heard or read something about the sensations with which she was supposed to be accompanied. More often it is quite enthusiastic reviews, sometimes invented, more often significantly enhanced, or describing the one orgasm most memorable for many years. It is human nature to memorize the most vivid feelings that cannot always arise, cannot always be repeated, and all the more cannot always be maintained in a constant state. In this regard, the expectations for orgasm can be significantly overestimated. Inconsistency with expectations gives rise to frustration, low mood, and they, in turn, will further reduce the brightness of sensations during orgasm.

One woman, worried about the "wrong", "insufficient", "faded" sensations during orgasm, said that in her youth she had read many love stories, from which she had the idea of ​​orgasm as an unusually strong feeling of dissolution in another person, perhaps with loss of consciousness, with weakness in the legs and with a feeling of “flying away to the sky”, “flickering stars”.She expected that love for a man, as well as his “special male qualities” are a guarantee of such feelings. Before sexual activity, she experienced an orgasm several times during masturbation, accompanied by pleasant sensations, but very far from the expected ones. Sexual life began with a young man whom she was deeply in love with, when the first sexual acts orgasm did not arise, but the partner sought it through manual stimulation of the clitoris. The orgasm did not appear as the patient expected, and was pale and not at all what was expected. She experienced severe disappointment, the feeling that the partner "does not fit" appeared, after a while the orgasm began to be achieved with great difficulty, accompanied by painful feelings.

Many women notice that the orgasmic sensations are more vivid in the moments of the heat of emotions in partners. Talking about sexually-erotic topics, open discussion of one's erotic thoughts and fantasies often reinforces sensuality and colors ordinary bodily sensations with a special light. No wonder they say that a woman loves ears. This phrase is directly related to orgasm.

Thus, the emotional state of a woman can contribute to the fact that even with slightly pronounced physiological reactions (weak, small muscle contractions of the pelvic floor), the orgasm will be perceived as strong and highly satisfying. Perhaps the opposite.

Orgasm is a reaction not only of the genitals, but of the whole body. During orgasm, intense redness of the skin, increased tension of the muscles of the body are observed. Possible muscle spasms and cramps of the limbs, short-term feeling of numbness in the whole body.

Involuntary contractions of facial muscles during orgasm can significantly distort facial features, create “sexual grimaces” that a partner can perceive as an expression of discontent, pain, and unpleasant sensations. You should know that the distortion of facial features is an involuntary reaction, indicating a high level of arousal, sincerity of experience, depth and intensity of sensations.

Some women are very concerned about the possibility of the appearance of an “ugly” uncontrollable grimace, fearing that the partner will consider such a reaction indecent, unattractive, see her as ugly and will dislike. Such fears and fears can make a woman constantly monitor during intercourse facial expression, posture, etc., which greatly inhibits the development of sexual reactions and is often the cause of restraining orgasm during intercourse, and then the lack of pleasant sensations process of sexual intercourse. On the other hand, sincere sensual reactions of a woman during sexual intercourse, including sexual distortion of facial features, can be a very strong sexual stimulus for a partner.

One of the women who turned to the author for help, by the way, very attractive by herself, experienced marked difficulties in reaching orgasm. An orgasm arose in her extremely rarely (isolated cases), despite the fact that her husband performed foreplay and used various, intense, prolonged sexual stimulation. After a detailed discussion and clarification of the situation of sexual contact, she reported that during him he constantly keeps attention zone and controls a number of her own reactions. It will be more convenient to list them point by point. First, she considered it necessary during the intimate relationship to monitor the position of the head - the chin should be somewhat elevated so that the folds of the second chin were not noticeable. Secondly, it is better to turn the face to the husband in profile - then, in her own opinion, she looks more beautiful. Thirdly, it is necessary to retract the stomach, since it is not sufficiently flat, or better yet, cover it with a blanket and not show it at all. Also, it is better to hide from the views of the hips, as they are somewhat wider than standards dictate. Fourthly, it is necessary to monitor the facial expression, it should look moderately passionate, but without excessiveness, spoiling its features. Fifth, the control must also touch the hair, how the hair is scattered on the pillow. And so on.

It is not surprising that with such a rich "work" in tracking and adjusting all these parameters, this woman could not relax and take pleasure in the caress, sexual stimulation, distracted from her own feelings. Hence the difficulty in achieving orgasm.

Psychophysiology of sexual intercourse

Orgasm is not a "thing in itself", it does not appear suddenly, is not a gift or an accident. Orgasm is preceded by a number of physiological processes of sexual arousal, which, unfolding during a certain time, ultimately lead, or, alas, do not lead to orgasm. The process of sexual arousal can be interrupted at almost any stage, if there are external or internal factors that violate it. Without sexual arousal orgasm is impossible at all.

What are these processes of arousal, leading to orgasm? What is their sequence? What factors can disrupt this natural consistency?

Their study was conducted strictly by scientific, experimental methods by two American scientists - W. Masters and W. Johnson. They determined how the arousal changes under the influence of erotic caresses and sexual stimulation, what changes in the body this is accompanied by, and identified several successive stages in the sexual cycle. The process of increasing excitation can be presented for clarity in the form of the following graph.

Stage 1 is called the stage of excitation. During it, under the influence of one or another adequate sexual stimulation, the emergence and increase of arousal occurs.

Adequate stimulation is such affection and sexual effects that correspond to the individual needs and preferences of a particular woman, take into account her current mood, the degree of arousal, the appropriateness of time and environment for sexual intercourse, compliance with the rules of intimacy of sexual relationships, etc. there can be light, superficial caresses, strokes, there can be a verbal erotica, as well as a deeper stimulation of specific erogenous zones that are individually sensitive for this woman . The main thing is for the partner to do what is pleasant to the woman at that moment, what she wants and considers acceptable, and did it as she pleased.

If a woman is configured for intimate communication and sexual partner actions are adequate, then arousal increases. It is accompanied by a rush of blood to the genitals and pelvic organs. The first sign of arousal is the appearance in the vagina of the so-called “lubricant” - a transparent, viscous fluid arising due to the “sweating” of blood plasma through the vaginal mucosa. The main function of lubrication - the preparation of the vagina for the adoption of the penis. If lubrication is sufficient, it will provide a good glide of the penis during intercourse, protect the mucous membrane of the genital organs from sores, microtraumas, unpleasant or even painful sensations during sexual intercourse.

With continued sexual stimulation, the blood flow to the genitals increases. Following the appearance of lubrication, the large and small labia, the mucous membrane of the outer part of the vagina, swell. In addition, the clitoris swells and increases in diameter. Due to the rush of blood, the vaginal opening area, labia and clitoris become more sensitive.

The middle or the end of the excitation phase is the most favorable moment for the introduction of the penis and the beginning of movements (frictions). If the introduction of the penis and frictions begin before most of the above changes develop, then the specific sexual sensitivity of the genital erogenous zones (vagina, labia, clitoris) may still be quite low. As a result, situations are possible when sexual intercourse does not cause pleasant sensations in the genitals, or even these sensations will be painful or unpleasant due to some dryness of the vagina.Therefore, the so-called preliminary period is very important, during which the caress of a partner, a woman’s own fantasies, verbal or other erotic stimulation prepare her directly for sexual intercourse.

If in a partner couple sexual intercourse begins for a long time before the woman becomes erotic readiness for it and before the process of sexual arousal begins, frictions may not cause pleasant sensations. In these cases, the woman often accumulates and captures this negative experience of sexual life, stops waiting for pleasant sensations during intercourse, can begin to avoid sexual contact, as it loses interest in them, or formally participates in sexual intercourse, trying to finish it as soon as possible. Negative sexual experience of sex life, not bringing satisfaction, women generally very quickly fixed and can lead to a steady decrease in sexual desire and even to the rejection of sex life.

The right choice of time for the introduction of the penis and the start of frictions is especially important for partners who, for various reasons, cannot have long-term sexual intercourse.In men, orgasm is almost entirely dependent on stimulation of the penis - manual, oral or vaginal, and often, with intensive stimulation, occurs quite quickly (after a few minutes). Many women during this time barely have time to begin to develop excitation processes. If, in such situations, the partner has a good preliminary period and starts the actual frictions not earlier than the partner is sufficiently excited, the woman is much more likely to have an orgasm even with not too long intercourse.

The stage of arousal is also interesting because of the fact that women are distracted and difficult to concentrate on their feelings, it can last for a very long time. Any external influences (street noise, creaking bed, voice) can lead to a drop in arousal. No less important are internal distractions (thoughts about extraneous things, distraction of attention to past events or an assessment of the consequences of contact, etc.). The curve of sexual arousal in these women will be as follows:

In some cases, with a woman’s high distractibility, insufficient sexual stimulation, along with low sensitivity of erogenous zones, etc., arousal can fluctuate at a low level and generally do not reach the plateau stage. In this situation, the orgasm is not achieved, but the woman does not necessarily remain disappointed (frustrated), she can feel pleasant sensations, enjoy the expression of feelings to each other, from the process of intimate contact.

Stage 2 - plateau stage.

It is characterized by the woman's desire to take the penis into the vagina and start frictions. The nature and intensity of frictional movements, their rhythm, direction and depth of the penis insertion may be different. They are selected and tested by each pair individually.

A common feature of the plateau stage is the subjective feeling of maintaining the excitation at a certain level for some time without increasing, for which the phase got its name. However, despite the absence of a feeling of growing excitement, objective physiological changes continue to go their own way.

During the plateau phase, the flow of blood to the genitals continues: the labia, vagina, the body of the uterus and other organs of the pelvis.

The lumen of the vagina is greatly narrowed due to the blood overflow of the tissues surrounding it. Narrowing provides a closer contact of the sensitive areas of the vagina and the penis, and, consequently, their more active stimulation. Due to this large size of the penis is not a necessary condition for the satisfaction of women during sexual intercourse. Physiological narrowing of the vagina allows it to actively respond to contact even with a smaller penis partner. This mechanism is especially effective when the introduction of the penis is carried out in a timely manner, that is, against the background of the unfolding processes of sexual arousal, rush of blood to the genitals and the beginning narrowing of the vagina.

Knowledge and understanding of the physiology of sexual reactions, the correct technique of sexual intercourse will avoid many sexual problems.

At the end of the plateau phase, the vaginal muscles tighten and tightly enclose the penis.

Stage 3 - the stage of orgasm, is the culminating phase of sexual intercourse and harmoniously completes all the above processes with a powerful neuromuscular discharge, already described in the previous chapter.

Stage 4 - the stage of resolution or phase of reverse development.

During it comes a feeling of satisfaction and relaxation. As noted above, the feeling that arises largely depends not so much on the severity of physiological reactions during orgasm, their quantitative or intensive indicators, but on a number of psychological moments: emotional contact between partners, compliance with the technique of sexual intercourse, the environment in which it took place, partner's reaction to the expectations that the woman had.

During the resolution stage, all changes that occurred in the first three stages disappear quite quickly (within 2–5–10 minutes), the body returns to its original state, all changes that have occurred to it, as it were, unwind back to the starting point, like in the film, put backwards. That is why this phase is called the phase of reverse development.

In cases where a woman has reached a level of excitement characteristic of the plateau phase, and she has a large part of the changes corresponding to this stage, and sexual intercourse or other sexual stimulation was stopped before an orgasm arose, the overflow with genital blood can persist for a long time. Prolonged stagnation of blood in the genitals is accompanied by unpleasant sensations in the lower abdomen. Women may notice a feeling of heaviness, pressure, itching in the genitals, and sometimes pain. With these complaints, they often turn to gynecologists, and often they are diagnosed with "chronic inflammation of the appendages", "itching of the vagina and genital organs", "chronic colpitis", "endometriosis", etc. Gynecological treatment of these "diseases" can give a short-term positive effect, but,if the true cause of the complaints is not discovered and eliminated, they often return again. Sometimes during the treatment even increased pain.

Thus, the widespread opinion about the harm of sexual life without an orgasm for the health of a woman is fully justified. However, it would be wrong to say that any sexual intercourse without an orgasm is harmful for a woman. It's not like that at all.

Firstly, only those sexual acts that are accompanied by a woman’s pronounced sexual arousal, but do not end in orgasm, cause harm. In those cases when, during sexual intercourse, the woman’s arousal either didn’t arise at all, or there was only mild physiological changes in the genitals characteristic of the initial stage of arousal, there is no chronic overflow of genitals with blood. Such sexual acts do not bring so-called physiological harm and do not lead to diseases, but they do not give sexual discharge.

To perceive and evaluate such a sex life can be different. Often, women note its positive aspects: it brings pleasant sensations, creates a general erotic mood, confidence in the strength of family relationships, in love with a partner, etc. Psycho-emotional satisfaction can largely determine a positive attitude towards sex and partnership, even in those cases when intimate contacts are not accompanied by orgasm. In the end, in intimate closeness between two people, the main thing is the expression of feelings for each other, mutual enjoyment of each other and the joy of giving and receiving pleasure. With the observance of these conditions and the absence of frustration (painful feeling of dissatisfaction, disappointment), the significance of orgasm decreases.

Some women relate to sexual intercourse that does not lead to orgasm, it doesn’t make enough difference, however, it can also cause unpleasant psychological feelings in someone. You can often hear statements like the following: “Why do I need sex life if there are no pleasant sensations!”, “Only men get pleasure from intercourse”, “Men only need sex life”, “I am an inferior woman, everyone has an orgasm but I don’t, ”even more aggressive ones:“ If I don’t have an orgasm, then my partner is not a real man. ”

Secondly, not a single sexual intercourse is unfavorable, and not even a few sexual acts that have not been completed in the form of an orgasm. Harm brings chronic dissatisfaction: physiological (leading to chronic stagnation of blood in the genitals), as well as psycho-emotional (due to chronic dissatisfaction - the frustration of existing sexual needs).

Willingness to have sex

In the previous chapter, we discussed that arousal increased during intercourse to orgasm and sexual satisfaction. The appearance and growth of it is the result of erotic stimuli. They can be different: olfactory (smells), visual (admiring the beauty of the partner’s body; clothes that emphasize his sexuality, as well as viewing erotic pictures, films), auditory (music, sensual sounds, sighs, interjections, special words, sexually colored conversation) , tactile (gentle love touches; effects on special areas of the body - erogenous zones). However, with all the differences they have a common feature. The same incentives are not in every woman and will not always have an erotic effect that causes sexual arousal and a desire for intimacy.Sexual arousal occurs only under the influence of adequate stimuli (stimuli that a certain woman perceives as stimulating her) and only against the background of emotional readiness to perceive these stimuli in a sexual way. In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to agitation. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."which a certain woman perceives as stimulating her) and only against the background of emotional readiness to perceive these stimuli in a sexual way. In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to agitation. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."which a certain woman perceives as stimulating her) and only against the background of emotional readiness to perceive these stimuli in a sexual way. In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to agitation. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to agitation. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to agitation. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that it is unclear what is stranger to what is doing in the vagina and why."

In this regard, perhaps, nothing is so important for the emergence and increase of arousal, and, consequently, to achieve orgasm, as the readiness of a woman for intimate contact.

The period of "sexual training" is accompanied by a reorientation of thoughts, feelings on an intimate mood, a turn of the sensual and thought process in the sexual direction. With a pronounced emotional readiness, even ordinary contact with any part of the body, not to mention the most sensitive erogenous zones, can be perceived as powerful sexual stimuli. The whole body becomes an erogenous zone. A woman may feel intense excitement from touching the fingers, the occipital region and other areas of the body that are completely indifferent in another situation that does not have intimate coloring.

How is the psycho-emotional readiness for intimate contact? What does it depend on?

First of all, from the general emotional mood, from the content of thoughts with which a woman comes to the point where intimate contact begins. Even before sexual stimulation begins in the woman’s head, often regardless of her consciousness and desire, a kind of “computer” begins to work, which instantly assesses a number of parameters.

It takes into account the desirability and relevance of sexual intercourse at a given moment and in a given setting, the emotional relation to a partner, his known or perceived personal and sexual qualities, the desirability and relevance of sexual contact with that particular partner.

The previous sexual experience is surely evaluated: how pleasant or unpleasant it was, how much the present situation or the present alleged partner corresponds to that past situation and that past partner with which the past pleasant or unpleasant feelings arose.

Estimates of the attitude of others, real and sometimes missing or even dead, to the upcoming sexual contact. Thoughts can flash in my head: “What would my mother say if she found out,” “Nothing good can be anyway,” “I am used,” “Anyway, nothing will work for me”, “Anyway, nothing will work for him "," If he loves me, he should not do this (or, on the contrary, "should do otherwise") ", etc.

Evaluation of all this variety of parameters occurs instantly. On the basis of it, the brain, often unconsciously, gives the result, makes a “decision” - whether or not it is worth responding to an active erotic stimulus, “to be or not to be” sexual arousal. This decision as if switches the toggle switch to the desired position.

If "to be" - then the impact on the erogenous zones cause acute sexual sensations. The woman is involved in the process of arousal, becomes more sensitive.

If a decision is made to “not be sexually aroused,” even very intense and diverse sexual stimulation will be perceived as indifferent, or unnecessary, or annoying, or even painful. In a situation not related to intimate communication, not having a sexual coloration for the patient, the effect on the erogenous zones will not cause sexual sensations. A simple example: in the overwhelming majority of women, during a gynecological examination, the effect on the sensitive erogenous zones causes sensations that are very far from sexual.

Approximately the same state of “asexuality” can occur if sexual intercourse takes place at an inappropriate time or in an inappropriate environment, when thoughts are busy with problems, when intimate intimacy takes place or is planned not in the way that a woman wants, not with whom she wants and so on. It is difficult to expect that immediately after a thoughtful reading of professional literature, or artistic, but not related to the sphere of the relationship between a man and a woman, after complicated accounting calculations, making lessons with a child or putting him to sleep Ina will immediately be in an intimate mood. Reorientation takes time and some effort. And, of course, the understanding by both the woman and the partner of the need for this time and the need for certain actions to create an erotic context.

Often, during a conversation with women, we hear complaints about the lack of mood for sexual contact while they go to bed with their spouse. When we start to clarify the situation, it turns out that until the last minute a woman either does household chores, finishes some work, reads a book (not erotic content), or deals with children, etc. By the time partners connect , a man is already internally ready for intimacy and after an extremely short, formal prelude begins sexual intercourse. A woman at this time still can not disconnect from their former affairs. No wonder that with such constant sexual practice and orgasm is not achieved, and sexual desire does not occur.

It is worth, perhaps, to give a somewhat grotesque example that very vividly demonstrates the results of the inconsistency of the degree of readiness of partners to the beginning of sexual intercourse.

A woman complained to my colleague about problems in her sexual life. Her husband, a creative person, excitable, often experienced in the full sense of the word attacks of sexual desire. He could resort home from work for a while (the work was 5–10 minutes from the house) and quickly incline her to sexual contact. Sometimes at home all of a sudden, for example, during dinner, set everything aside and literally pounced on my wife, while she had no sexual thoughts. The woman experienced severe discomfort, because, as a rule, she was not ready for such a sudden sexual intercourse, and by the time of its termination the excitement was just beginning to appear. This was the cause of frustration after sexual intercourse. The woman's sexual desire was quite pronounced, in other situations she could be well excited and have an orgasm. But,after a certain period of time, against the background of frustration, she began to notice that excitement ceased to occur even with a less sudden intercourse, and discomfort began to appear.

It happens that the need for preparation for sexual intercourse causes internal resistance in women and men. There are false sexual ideas, according to which it is believed that if partners love each other and are sexually attractive enough for each other, then sexual desire should arise spontaneously, by itself. It is also considered that the real sexual intercourse, really “correct” sexual intercourse, which is the expression of true love and desire, should take place spontaneously, without any preparation.

This opinion is completely wrong. Any sexual intercourse requires preparation, it can be conscious, it can be unconscious, but it should still be. And the most important preparation is to revive in the past a pleasant experience of sexual relations. If this experience is absent, or worse, there is an unpleasant experience of sexual relations, the expectation of a “spontaneous” occurrence of arousal and its smooth “spontaneous” growth up to orgasm usually ends in failure.

Getting the same practical experience of sexual reactions, satisfactory intimate relationships may require some hard work and effort. And most importantly - the desire. Some help can provide fantasies, dreams, the presentation of various life situations.

Sometimes women who deal with sexual problems have an exaggerated desire to get a “magic pill” from a sexologist, recommendations that will immediately solve all their difficulties, or the hope that there is a way to immediately create a desire at any moment without their own efforts. and achieving orgasm during any sexual intercourse. It must be said bluntly - in the sexual sphere this is impossible. You can give a similar example from the creative field. A ballet dancer, before going on stage and performing her dance, the dance of love and high erotica, has been doing the hardest physical exercises for many years before, repeating and honing at once not erotic movements, and only then they make up a magical, deeply sensual dance pattern. A similar situation occurs in the sexual life,which is largely made up of creativity.

The lack of a woman's quick and spontaneous sexual desire in the right situation and a guaranteed orgasm does not mean that the partners are not sexually appropriate for each other or she is frigid. It is quite possible that the matter is simply the lack of preparation for sexual contact, the unwillingness to make any effort to achieve the desired, sexual incompetence in at least one of the partners.

Speaking about the desire for spontaneity, it should be said that everyone has a choice. Either the fruitless expectation of a “spontaneous” arising of desire, which should arise itself, or to be bestowed by someone from above, a doctor, a “real man”, at the sight of which women begin to tremble, etc. Such a supposed life scenario is called good weather. " Another way is sexual activity, a set of bits and pieces of positive experience of intimate relationships, discussion with a partner of desires, opportunities and difficulties for each, an attempt to synchronize their sexual reactions and partner. And then sexual satisfaction will be the inevitable result.

Let's give an example

The couple asked for help after 5 years of marriage due to the dissatisfaction of his wife. My wife, let's call her Marina, said that this is her first marriage and first sexual partner. She married for love, good relations with her husband. The first time I experienced an orgasm after 2 years of sexual activity. Since then, once every 3-4 months, if it makes a very big effort, it can reach an orgasm in an active position from above. She also noticed that to achieve an orgasm, she needs sexual intercourse lasting 5–6 minutes, and her partner has an average intercourse duration of 2–3 minutes. In this regard, in most cases during intercourse orgasm does not have time to experience, even though it tries. Therefore, there is not always a desire to make an effort. Masturbation experience does not have, the husband also does not use additional stimulation of the clitoris during intimate contact,consider it unnatural. When discussing the situation of preparing for an intimate contact, it turned out that the spouses live in the same room with a 3-year-old child, so sex is conducted only after he falls asleep. This usually happens late, at about 24 hours, as traditionally the mother puts him down after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), he has sexual intercourse quickly, foreplay or other preparations for sexual intercourse are absent. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina all thoughts are still busy with the housekeeping and she did not have time to restructure. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.that spouses live in the same room with a 3-year-old child, so sex is conducted only after he falls asleep. This usually happens late, at about 24 hours, as traditionally the mother puts him down after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), he has sexual intercourse quickly, foreplay or other preparations for sexual intercourse are absent. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina all thoughts are still busy with the housekeeping and she did not have time to restructure. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.that spouses live in the same room with a 3-year-old child, so sex is conducted only after he falls asleep. This usually happens late, at about 24 hours, as traditionally the mother puts him down after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), he has sexual intercourse quickly, there are no foreplay or other preparations for sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina all thoughts are still busy with the housekeeping and she did not have time to restructure. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.as traditionally his mother puts him after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), he has sexual intercourse quickly, foreplay or other preparations for sexual intercourse are absent. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina all thoughts are still busy with the housekeeping and she did not have time to restructure. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.as traditionally his mother puts him after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), he has sexual intercourse quickly, foreplay or other preparations for sexual intercourse are absent. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina all thoughts are still busy with the housekeeping and she did not have time to restructure. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse at Marina only the onset of arousal begins, and orgasm cannot be achieved.

This is a fairly common case of disharmonious sexual relations. A woman is able to have an orgasm and even knows what is needed for this, but the spouses cannot synchronize their sexual reactions. The duration of the sexual intercourse of the husband is too short you will not name, and the wife, in fact, needed not very long intercourse to achieve orgasm. The mismatch of 2 minutes can be easily eliminated if certain conditions are met. First, to review the regime of the day, put the child before and before embarking on intimate contacts. Secondly, the erotic prelude before sexual intercourse can significantly shorten the friction period necessary to achieve an orgasm. Thirdly, the more active behavior of the wife during foreplay and sexual intercourse will speed up the solution of the problem.

What determines the ability of a woman to experience an orgasm?

The peculiarity of female sexuality is the instability of the orgasmic function.

Female sexuality develops and is realized according to its own laws, which are somewhat different from those for which male sexuality is realized. First of all it concerns an orgasm. Female orgasm has some features.

First, this is the time of his appearance. Men begin to experience orgasm from the first ejaculation. Orgasm and ejaculation are usually inseparable. Women are a little different. The formation of the orgasmic function is very relatively related to the period of puberty. The onset of the first menarche (menarche) is by no means a sign of the emergence of the ability to feel an orgasm. Some girls may experience orgasm before menarche, however, more often the end of puberty does not mean that the brain structures responsible for orgasm are already mature. The process of “forming” an orgasmic function ends later, sometimes much later. The impact on the erogenous zones with intimate caresses, their stimulation during intercourse greatly accelerates this process. Against the background of regular sex life, the ability to experience an orgasm.That is why in most cases at the beginning of sexual activity, intimate contact with a woman does not end in orgasm. This phenomenon is completely normal, especially for women who have begun to have sex at a young age.

In most cases, at the beginning of a woman's sexual life there is a certain period during which the awakening of female sexuality occurs, its adaptation to the peculiarities of the partner’s sexuality (sexual adaptation in a couple), as well as the completion of forming the ability to experience orgasm. The first months or even years of sexual activity, the partners try different ways of sexual interaction, affection, experiment. At the same time, sensitive erogenous zones are identified, the most pleasant ways of influencing them, the sensuality of a woman awakens and sharpens. For the awakening of sensuality, it is important that intimate touches are carried out in an atmosphere of peace, relaxation. An appropriate emotional attitude, love relationships between partners are required. Of great importance is the image of a partner, his sensitivity,interest in the satisfaction of the partner, the ability to know and understand the specific female sexual needs, attention to them.

At the beginning of sexual activity, however often and later, the main sexual need of a woman is not so much sexual actions (sexual intercourse), as erotic interaction (kisses, hugs), petting (kisses and breast, nipples stimulation, etc.) pay attention to these caresses and gradually move to sexual intercourse, ensuring the appropriate readiness to it.

Gradually, the most effective and exciting are selected from the variety of intimate influences, and the woman gradually gains experience of pleasant, sexually colored sensations. Against this background, the first orgasm.

However, it does not mean that the process of formation of a woman of mature sexuality has ended. To stabilize the orgasmic function, it usually takes some more time, during which certain sets and sequences of sexual influences are selected, with great consistency leading to orgasm. A so-called optimal sexual stereotype is developed. If at the first stages of sexual life, foreplay, preparation for sexual intercourse took a lot of time, after the development of an optimal sexual stereotype, their duration can be reduced, but they are not completely excluded.A very important and interesting question is - during what period of regular sexual life should a woman acquire the ability to experience an orgasm during intimate contact? For how long is the absence of orgasm a normal, natural state, and when does it become a sexual disorder and it is advisable for a woman to seek help from specialists with this problem ?. What reasons can delay the appearance of the ability to respond with orgasm to sexual stimulation? What helps a woman go through this period of "sexual adaptation" faster?What reasons can delay the appearance of the ability to respond with orgasm to sexual stimulation? What helps a woman go through this period of "sexual adaptation" faster?What reasons can delay the appearance of the ability to respond with orgasm to sexual stimulation? What helps a woman go through this period of "sexual adaptation" faster?

Most often, the focus is on the partner. There is a belief that a man bears full responsibility for the female orgasm, for the formation of the woman's ability to experience it. This especially applies to the first regular sexual partners and, of course, to their husbands. Their role is really very large. The first sexual experience of a woman largely determines her attitude to sexuality, gives the first ideas about her own sexuality, a feeling of confidence or self-doubt. In order for it to become a positive stimulus for the further development of female sexuality and the full disclosure of its possibilities, the partner must have an idea about the features of female sexuality, about some rules that must be followed. We will pay enough attention to this in the second part of the book.

In addition, sincere, interested, informal attention of the partner to the feelings of the partner, his desire to give her a pleasant feeling is of great importance. It is worth noting that these qualities are more important than the extensive previous sexual experience of a partner, the so-called “sexual competence”, to which women and men often attach particular symbolic significance.

In the sexological literature a lot is said that a man should be interested in the feelings of her partner, asking what gives her pleasure, what she would like. However, some men do not ask such questions in order to learn about the true feelings of their partner. It is important for them to get confirmation of their own notorious “sexual competence”, assurance that they do everything well and correctly and that the partner likes the way they do it. Without getting the right answer, they are offended, “carefully” ask their partner: “Is everything okay for you?” Or “Why do all other women like it and don't you?” Etc. Women almost always feel and understand why they are asked similar questions and leave a sincere answer. They can, say that everything is good, can imitate the reaction of excitation,but in any case, such sexual relations will not contribute to the awakening of the woman’s sexuality.